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"Social intercourse is a two way street. Make sure you are
driving on the right side."
- Bryce's Law
INTRODUCTION
In past articles I have described the problems our younger workers are
having with interpersonal relations/comunications. Many find it easier to plug
into an iPod as opposed to working with others. This is resulting in
a socially dysfunctional workplace where people work at odds with each
other. To overcome this problem, I offer the following suggestions for
improving a person's social intercourse. There is nothing magical here,
just ten commonsense tips to help you develop better relationships with
your coworkers, your vendors, and your customers.
1. GREET SOMEONE
Nobody wants to feel unwelcome or unappreciated. If they do, they will
feel like outcasts and less likely to help you with something. The objective
is to make people feel at home. This can be accomplished with a simple
greeting or a firm handshake while looking at the person directly in the eyes.
It is easy to detect when a greeting is sincere or routine. Your goal is to
appear genuinely concerned about the person. This can be achieved by:
- Complimenting on some personal attribute of the person (e.g., clothes,
hair, car).
- Inquiring about a person's family (e.g., birthday observed, anniversary,
graduation, pets, health, etc.)
- Asking about an event the person recently experienced (e.g., attendance
at an event, participation in a volunteer organization/charity, a new job
or project assignment, etc.),
- Commenting on something newsworthy - community, sports, weather ("What did you think about...?")
Such greetings are an expression of your interest in the person. Too often
greetings become routine and, as such, less credible. Try to break it up.
A good, basic greeting can work wonders in building cooperation between
people.
2. ENGAGE IN A CONVERSATION
People have a natural curiosity as to what you are all about. The best way
to communicate this is to engage in simple conversation. Some people
are naturally shy and tend to withdraw from such discourse. If one
person is not willing to start a conversation, another should take the
initiative simply by asking the other, "How are you?" or "What do you think?"
A good icebreaker is to tell a joke. But in this day and age of "political
correctness," exercise good judgment and taste in your humor. Avoid
slang and offensive remarks unless the occasion calls for it. Goodhearted
kidding and teasing is fine, as long as it doesn't turn malicious.
Some people do not have the gift of gab for telling jokes. As such, tell a story
about some recent event that happened to you. But don't ramble. Stay
focused and be sure your story has a point to it.
A conversation is a two-way street, regardless if it is humorous or serious
in tone. Look interested, stay focused, and ask questions. Also be careful
not to dominate a conversation unless that is your intention. If you have
a tendency to monopolize a conversation, people will be less likely to
engage in conversation with you.
For additional information on discourse, see:
No. 60 - "The Art of Persuasion" - Feb 20, 2006
http://www.phmainstreet.com/mba/ss060220.pdf
3. VOLUNTEER
Many people prefer to sit back and watch as others perform the
work. Volunteering your time or skills may add an additional burden
but it tells others you believe in them and are willing to help out. Such
an expression also makes it easy for you to solicit support when you
are in need of help.
4. ASK FOR ADVICE
Too often people are too proud (or too stubborn) to ask for directions
in our journey through life. But asking for advice from a colleague
accomplishes two things: first, you might get the answer you seek,
and; second, it says to the person you trust and respect their opinion. By
confiding in an individual, the advisor becomes concerned with
your best interests. This leads to mutual trust and respect between people.
When you are asked to offer advice to another, be as articulate and
rational as possible. If you do not know the correct answer, do not
fabricate advice or mislead the person. This will only shatter the person's
trust in you. Instead, point him in another direction where he might find
the answer he is seeking.
5. NETWORK
It seems participation in trade groups and volunteer organizations today
are dwindling. This is surprising since such groups provide a convenient
vehicle to meet and exchange ideas with your peers. Such forums are
useful:
To exercise our basic social skills.
To stay abreast of current developments in our field of interest.
To establish relationships with people who possess different skills and knowledge that can help us.
Instead of resisting networking with others, the younger generation
should embrace it. I heartily recommend joining trade groups and
volunteer/charity/fraternal organizations. Regardless of the group
dynamics involved, such forums help to improve ourselves personally
and professionally.
6. TURN OPPONENTS INTO PROPONENTS
Today we live in a competitive society (some prefer the expression "a dog-eat-dog
world"). I guess this is somewhat natural. There is nothing wrong with some
friendly competition; it is when it turns vicious, thereby turning competitors
into enemies, that you have to be careful. To overcome this problem, be gracious
in defeat and magnanimous in victory. This was the secret to Abraham Lincoln's
success. After losing earlier political campaigns, Lincoln would stun his
opponents by appearing at their victory celebrations and offering a sincere
hand of congratulations and support. Because of this, his early opponents
became his proponents later on. After winning the presidential campaign
of 1860 he again stunned his opponents by offering them seats in his
cabinet. These former opponents became his closest confidants during the
dark days of the American Civil War.
It is one thing to go into a contest confidently; it is quite another to go in
with a chip on your shoulder, thereby inviting trouble. Take disagreements
in stride and pick your fights carefully. Ask yourself if it is really necessary
to create an enemy at this point in your career.
7. BE COURTEOUS
Your manners and how you interact with others says a lot about a person's
character. Basic courtesy means you are socially well adjusted. No, I am
not suggesting everyone turns into a "Miss Manners," but attention to basic
courtesy can improve your image with others. Small details can have a
dramatic effect. For example:
A simple Thank You note will be remembered for a service rendered. I have been a program chairman for various organizations over the years. After a speaker conducted a presentation for me, I would be sure to send a thank you note to him/her for their presentation (regardless if there was an honorarium or not). This is a nice personal touch that is remembered. Consequently, I never have a problem securing a speaker.
Invite others to participate in events. Again, a personal note can work wonders and makes people feel wanted. If you stumble over an omission on your invitation list (which inevitably happens), move swiftly to correct the omission. Include people, don't exclude them, let them know their presence has meaning to you.
Above all else, watch your temper. As the old adage admonishes us,
"You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." A little
courtesy can go a long way towards building fruitful relationships.
8. BE POSITIVE
People naturally gravitate to others with a positive or upbeat personality. This
doesn't mean we always have to wear a smiling face, but we should concede
that people like optimists as opposed to pessimists. As such, we should always
be looking for reasons why something should be done, as opposed to reasons
why it shouldn't.
This leads us into the area of effective criticism. Avoid the temptation to
maliciously criticize someone or something. First, it makes the person look
like a whining and jealous naysayer; second, it tends to be more destructive as
opposed to constructive. It is simply good practice, when identifying problems,
to suggest alternatives as opposed to simply criticism. As Winston Churchill
astutely observed, "Any idiot can see what is wrong with something. But can
you see what is right?"
So, is the glass half empty or half full? Your answer says a lot about
how people perceive you.
9. BE OBSERVANT
As I have frequently written in the past, if there is anything constant in life,
it is change. Change is always around us, but it takes a perceptive person
to be able to spot the smallest of changes, whether it be a new hair style,
someone losing weight, a small job well done, or whatever. When a change
is observed, ask yourself why it has happened. Be inquisitive and understand the
rationale for the change. This will help you adapt to the change as well as improve
your interpersonal relations. For example, people are easily flattered when
someone compliments them on a change. It means you are perceptive and
interested in the person, both of which puts you in good standing with the
other person.
Included in this area is the observance of the names of people. It is
embarrassing to both parties when a name is forgotten. In particular, it sends
a signal to the other person that he/she is irrelevant in your eyes. This certainly
does not help build relationships. Asking for business cards is one thing,
remembering names is something else. This may require a little effort but it
is time well spent.
It is these little observations that go a long way. As an example, perhaps
the best secretary I ever saw was a lady named Myrna who worked for an
MIS Director in Chicago. The first time I visited the office, Myrna warmly
greeted me and asked if I wanted a cup of coffee. Saying Yes, she then asked
me what I wanted in it. I said cream and sugar, which she then made for
me. Months later when I returned to visit the MIS Director, Myrna greeted me by
name and presented me with a cup of coffee with cream and sugar. Frankly,
I was startled that she not only remembered my name but how I also liked
my coffee. Later I found out that Myrna maintained a simple card file;
whenever someone visited the office, Myrna would record their name
and the type of coffee they liked. Sharp. Very sharp.
10. BE HONEST
The linchpin to good interpersonal relations is trust. Regardless of our form
of discourse, nothing builds trust better than honesty, the basic building block
of confidence. Having an honest character conveys an image that you are
dependable, that your word is your bond, and you can be trusted to do the
right thing. But your reputation can be shattered overnight if you are caught
in a lie. Therefore, don't falsify or mislead. If you do not know an answer,
do not fabricate one, but make every attempt to find the answer elsewhere.
We now live in an age where it is more commonplace to cover-up a mistake
as opposed to admit to it. Inevitably, all hell will break loose when the cover-up
is discovered. Instead, admit a mistake early on, correct it, and earn the respect
of your coworkers.
Give credit where credit is due. Remember this, nobody wants to work with
someone they fear will wrong, cheat or defraud them.
CONCLUSION
There are other areas I could have gone into with this article, such as "persistence"
and "leadership," but they would fall outside of the scope of improving social intercourse. I could have also covered such things as "gossip" and "finger pointing"
but, instead, I was looking for those basic elements for people to improve themselves,
not others.
Early in my college career I learned, "We enjoy life through the help and society
of others." True words. Like it or not, we must interact with other people on a daily
basis. The tips I have described, while admittedly are simple, can greatly facilitate
how we interact with each other, thereby making our companies a better place
to work and live.
Look, its really not that complicated; just use your head, loosen up a bit, treat
others as you would have them treat you, and try not to stick your foot in your mouth.
Tim Bryce is the Managing Director of M. Bryce & Associates (MBA) of Palm Harbor, Florida and has 30 years of experience in the field. He is available for training and consulting on an international basis. He can be contacted at: timb001@phmainstreet.com
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